Sweet Sounds & Silence....The begining

Hello all.... Let me begin by explaining why I decided to join the millions of Americans on Blogger. I seriously needed an outlet. With that said let me then tell you that unfortunately I will not have the latest star gossip or the latest fashions posted here. Not that I don't enjoy them, I'd just rather read them somewhere else. This page is dedicated to feelings only. Good bad or indifferent. So lets begin.
Sweet Sounds & Silence.......
Girl let me tell you, I have been to the heartbreak hotel. I have checked in, put my things in the closet and decided to stay awhile. 2 years ago I met the most amazing man. He was everything I thought I wished, hoped and prayed for. You know at the time he blew into my life I was going threw that quarter life crisis every 20 something woman hits. Sure I had plenty of dates but they generally were no good. You know the type. Fly on the outside but a big ol ball of shit on the inside. Anyway when I met him I broke one of the cardinal rules....I had an on-the-job relationship. In my defense his dark chocolate skin, good nature and beautiful smile made us all lose our damn minds. He liked me..he he I was the winner. Or so i thought.
SWEET....He was the bomb! Always there to lend a helping hand, tending to my every need. There after work everyday to not only make sure I made it home safely but to also make sure I slept good at night. And boy did I sleep good. The brother was tha truth. He did things my body had neva dreamed and the patois he whispered didn't help. After a while we were inseparable and according to my best friend I had become an honorary ja girl. Speaking or at least fully understanding the language, knowing the dances, singing the songs word for word and watching my hips spread from all the plantains, dumplings, and curry goat I could shovel..hahaha....
SOUNDS.....My mother hated him for reasons I couldn't fathom. Chile you couldn't tell me shit bad bout J.M.M! The sun in my universe rose and set on that sweet black ass (as you can tell I was done) I thought of him as air. Vital to my very existence and here is where I made my mistake. I had focused my energy so much on him that i had begun to lose myself, yet i still did not see the train of destruction barreling down on me at full speed. I over looked the fact that he was married. Yes girl married. I figured if you got married at 20 and are with me at 25 that marriage didn't mean much. I figured since he was a good father the rest would just drop but the waste side. I thought I was the shit when i finally met the wife at his parent's house and he still paraded me like I was the queen. And he didn't even introduce us. I got the shock of my life when at the same house she walked past me, sashayed up to him, put her arms around his neck and hugged him with the intensity only a wife can. And girl do you know what happened? HE HUGGED HER BACK! OK OK...I said, I'm done. Ha ha. I laugh at myself now cause that was some bullshit I told myself to sleep threw the night. Next day I was giving my ass away like it was Christmas and he was Old Saint Nick himself. I ignored the constant flow of females (all Jamaican girls BTW) at his childhood home, popping up to "say hi" whether I was there or not. And then there was the constant phone calls from baby love Shelly from NY. Again another JA girl but she was the "homie" Yea homie, lover, friend. And not only did they talk all night long when I was not in his bed but he went to NY every other weekend under the disguise that he was picking up his mom but really to see her. The new braid style he rocked was the teller, Miss Shelly was a hairstylist. But even with the wife and the girlfriend and all the reserve hoes I fell into the At-least-i-got-him-part-of-the-time-and-not-at-all syndrome
SILENCE.....I thought if I lost him to anyone it would be Shelly. I was so wrong. Ironically I lost my black half ass savior to a 42 year old woman. The ultimate slap in the face to a 27 yr old woman dating a 25yr old man. She started out being the janitor at our job. Our director felt sorry for her and offered her a tax-paying gig with us. She was assigned to the section he sat in just like every other new woman they hired so i wasn't alarmed until he started changing his ways. J.M.M and i always ate lunch together. Since I had just moved into my new suburban Philly apartment money was funny. He had just moved also. Anyway lunches went from 20 dollars a day to ham n cheese sandwiches until oldskool (that's what we'll call her) figured out how to snag him. My joyous work days were now filled with confusion, hatred and tears. I asked him over and over again what the hell was going on. He denied it telling me in patois that her pussy was too old for him and that he wouldn't play himself or hurt me like that. October rolls around and here comes slap 2. He tells me he wants us to still chill but that he doesn't want to sex anymore. I agree trying to save face long enough to go home and cry into an entire bottle of E n J. I still allow him to stop by as a friend but my feelings were still deep. I express them to him and of course we have sex not one but two times. Each time him saying this was the last time. The final blow was when he came by after work and we hung out. He went to use my bathroom and while there he got a phone call. I knew the person on the other end was a Yankee because his accent and patois where absent. After listening to him speak vague words like "yea", "naw" and "i got you" I decided this time to really leave him alone since he was creeping and thought he was fooling me. When he left I hugged him said good bye closed my door and went to the liquor cabinet for my old friend when i realized he left his phone. There was only one thing to do. I looked through his call list. Yes I did. And what did I find? That phone call from earlier was from Oldskool. Here is where the silence crept in. The next few weeks were bombarded by everything from us not speaking, to her and I damn near coming to blows on the job, to her girlfriend telling her girlfriend who told me about them screwing, to sleepless nights and bloodshot eyes. I lived in silence. I hid in dark rooms, I cried in small corners, I even asked God why. I didn't know how to start over cause the person I knew had grown dreads, spoke a foreign language, and had an insatiable appetite for weed. I was lost. The Silence grew.....
ON THE OTHER SIDE OF CRAZY.....By the time I crawled out of my self made madness I had gone from the cute size 9 I was when I met him to an uncomfortable size 15. I had lost all self confidence and preservation. I had grown cold and mean and everyday i thought of the satisfaction of killing Oldskool. By this time he had changed jobs and his portion of the responsibility had no recourse. I had thoughts of getting revenge but then I would have to travel to the northeast and i had no energy for that. One day I finally said Fuck it and Fuck him. What had I lost truly? Some of my snatch? It'll grow back but the person I was losing was not worth it. I decided to take me back. I found the black, green and yellow box that I had hidden the true me in, dusted myself off, put myself on and threw that hideous box and the flag and the music and that stank ass goat in the dumpster. I found me and I felt good.
TODAY.... For all it was worth I can honestly say I would do it all again (with a few moderation's of course) because it taught me what I know now. I am proud to say I am not bitter nor am I angry. I date and enjoy men to the fullest. I no longer accept bullshit though and that makes it hard for most men to really get to know me cause the first sign of it I'm gone and they can't find me. This new policy has safe guarded the inner me from pain. I have thwarted everything from dead beat fathers to cheating husbands looking to lead a double life. I can say it has been hard dating another JA man though. Just the sound of their voice reminds me of my dark chocolate weakness and that story I am not ready to relive just yet..............